I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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