Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
