Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
