I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
