which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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