I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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