I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
