I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
