I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
