Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
