got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
