we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize