Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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