I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
