I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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