You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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