I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize