the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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