I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
