Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
