Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
