She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
