the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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