Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
