I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
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It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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