Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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