It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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