i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
