That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
