I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
