The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
