everyone is single if you try hard enough
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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