All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize