Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
