Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
