im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Randomize
