I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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