I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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