I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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