This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
