I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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