Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
