Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
