I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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