I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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