my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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