the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
