The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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