mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Randomize
