Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
