I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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