i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
