and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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