dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
