i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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