I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She's the barista slut.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
