ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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