I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
