Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
