just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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