We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
