and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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