i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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